It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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