i already hear my dad disowning me
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
