its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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