Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
