WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The adults are the big ones right?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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