his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
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sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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