did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
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Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
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I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?