he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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