im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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