A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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