I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
