The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
