You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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