Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
