Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
