So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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