don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
