Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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