I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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