Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
