I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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