either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
a search helicopter?!
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
