Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
