There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
