I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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