I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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