Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Randomize
