I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
