I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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