The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize