I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
