census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
