Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
