I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
