I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
