all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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