she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
