I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
