i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
