Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
