the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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