i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
