I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
