I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize