my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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