I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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