Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
