Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize