I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
