Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
