If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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