I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
