Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
