We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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