Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
