You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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