I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
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He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
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You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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