made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
