Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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