you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Is it penis luge time yet?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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